The origin of the species

Terry is, even when painted in the best possible light, a hooligan. It’s not so much that he looks for trouble that would suggest that he had moments when he was not causing trouble. He likes nothing better than to annoy people and the problem is that if you let on that he is annoying you he will continue with renewed vigour.

A couple of weeks ago Terry bought himself some new headphones for his Ipod, he made a trip into town especially to get them and paid quite a lot for them, he was indeed a happy bunny. That evening I somehow end up sat next to Terry on the train to Yorkshire I was trying to sleep and Terry was rather keen to try out his new headphones. Now I dislike Happy Hardcore as much as the next man but whey you are trying to sleep and all you can hear is the tinny top end sounds (of which there are plenty) it really starts to grate. For some reason I forgot that the worst thing to do with Terry is to ask him to stop doing what is annoying you. I asked him to turn the music down and his response was to turn it up and dangle the headphones in front of my face. The best reaction is of course to ignore him but sadly Terry knows me too well for that and after a full five minutes of my lying there pretending to be asleep Terry was still dangling the headphones in front of me, I snuck a glance at him and saw him grinning away to himself well aware of how much he was annoying me. This could, I knew from watching Terry in action on a number of occasions, go on all night. There was only one thing to do. I cut through the headphone cable. Terry is a big chap and as soon as I cut the cable there was tension around the table, he is not averse to hitting people – all in good fun of course. There was silence as everyone waited for what would happen next, Terry started laughing; I started laughing everyone started laughing. Terry stopped laughing the guy on the other side of the table stopped laughing, I tried my best to stop laughing but couldn’t. Then I saw the look in his eye; I stopped laughing. He would have his revenge and I knew it, if this was the case there seemed little point in agreeing to buy him new headphones, this didn’t improve his mood much.

It only strikes me now that there could well be some link between the sudden appearance of biting creatures in my sleeping bag and Terry. It would be just the sort of thing he would do and I did see him the evening the creatures first appeared. I think it may be wise to appease him by buying some replacement headphones after all, I believe it my be appropriate to coat the bit that goes in his ears in chilly sauce first.